That Time My Students Started a Petition

I had to blur out the names because it's probably not appropriate to post student names on the internet, but everyone in my class signed it.  I had to let them know that my class isn't a democracy, it's a monarchy and they can all go ahead and start calling me Queen Teacher.

How I feel when the automatic light sensor in my new classroom senses that I'm gone because I've been sitting at my desk for so long and turns off the lights:

Summer is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

I finally have to start thinking about going back to school next week. I have mixed feelings. I love teaching, but I also love sleeping, and I learned long ago that the two are mutually exclusive. Anyway, this post is to give you an insight into my life this summer. (Note: I originally created this post with pictures from my summer, but I switched them out with something a little more anonymous because I'm weird like that.)

SUMMER
What my friends think I do:

What society thinks I do:

What my students think I do:

What I think I do:

What I actually do:

TTFN summer, catch you next year.  Here's to a new year!

That Time I Was Accidentally Inappropriate

Picture this: My class is (mostly) quietly working on a test.  A student (we'll call him Charlie) is rocking back and forth in his chair so vigorously that his desk is banging against the wall.  I give him the eye and he stops for a second, but only a second and then he's back at it.  I walk over to his desk and tap on it lightly and he pauses for a few more seconds this time before he continues.  Students are noticing the sound now and they're annoyed (which is a little hypocritical of them when their own noises bother me literally always, but whatever).  "Ms. Teacher, can you please make Charlie stop that noise?" Charlie just laughs at the attention and continues.  I walk over to his desk and quietly let him know that if the banging doesn't stop he is going to have to take his desk out in the hall and work on the test there.  He stops for a full minute this time, and then resumes banging his desk against the wall.  My students are frustrated, I'm frustrated, I say loudly "Charlie, do you want to go bang in the hall?!"

It took me a few seconds to realize why the entire class was snickering.  Once I realized, all I could do was laugh. It worked though, Charlie stopped the banging. 

How I feel when I stay late to plan an awesome lesson and then it totally flops:

Teenagers say the darndest things. (9)

"Ms. Teacher, can't you just imagine me riding a donkey?"

"If I bribe you with rice crispy treats and craisins, can I not take this test today?" [My students know me so well.]

Student: Do you have a dog?
Me: No.
Student: Oh really? That surprises me.  How many cats do you have?
Me: Zero.
Student: Now I know you're lying.

Student 1: [To me] I followed you on Instagram.  Why don't you post more?
Student 2: What would she post, pictures of you doing math? We are her entire life.
That is truer than I wish it was...

Student 1: There is no such thing as a person with yellow skin!
Studnet 2: What about Asians?
Student 1: They don't have yellow skin! I would say they're like a nice cream.


Click below for past posts of teenagers saying the darndest things.
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That Time I Went On A Field Trip

I took a bunch of kids to a math competition last week. It was....fun... but mostly now I see why my teachers didn't take me on very many field trips. It was every bit as exhausting as you would guess a 7 hour bus ride with 50 teenagers would be. This field trip was unique though, because instead of being 50 of your average teenagers, these were the top 50 math students in the district. Don't worry, I kept a travel log so that it would be like you, my dear blog readers, were right there with me experiencing this amazingness.

4:45am
Student: OH MY GOSH MS. TEACHER I NEVER DREAMED I WOULD GET TO SEE YOU THIS EARLY IN THE MORNING!!! HAHAHAHAHA YAAAAAY!
Me: 

5:00am
We're supposed to be off but we're missing one student. I'm calling the mom. She says he's coming, please wait.
5:10am
No sign of late student.
5:25am
I'm already hungry. How can I be hungry when I shouldn't even be awake?
5:30am
THE STUDENT IS HERE. Let's go please.
5:35am
The Bust Driver: "Blah blah blah, where are the emergency exits, blah blah blah. PAY ATTENTION: If this bus catches on fire you have exactly 3 minutes until the entire bus is engulfed in flames."
My brain: I wonder if fires grow linearly or exponentially.
5:40am
We're finally off. Good, let's settle into sleepy time.
5:42am
It is becoming increasingly obvious that sleepy time is not going to happen.
5:50am
Male Student to Female Student He Is Flirting With: You've never heard of Tran-Siberian Orchestra?!!!? We have to fix this immediately.
Female Student Who Is Happily Being Flirted With: Do you have headphones?
MSTFSHIFW: No, but that's okay. It won't bother anymore.
Me: *bothered*
6:03am
"This one time when I was in a chess tournament..."
6:22am
Someone literally just sprayed cologne on the bus. No one will fess up, but we are almost literally swimming in Axe.
6:36am
We just stopped at a gas station (one hour into the trip) to let students go to the bathroom. I think also the bus driver needed some air that was not drenched in cologne.
6:55am
Back on the bus.  A thing that I know: the last thing these kids need is candy.
7:08am
Is there like a rule that says bus drivers have to drive under a certain speed limit? Or is this bus driver just trying to kill me with his slow driving?
7:32am
We just had to pull over on the side of the road because someone decided to open the emergency exit window in the top of the bus which made the (very annoying) emergency alarm go off.  "I was getting too warm" they said.
7:54am
Total count of times I've heard "Too bad this isn't a band trip" this morning: 12
8:13am
Stopped at McDonalds for breakfast. I am so sorry McDonalds. You had no idea how badly your morning would suck.
9:03am
Back on the road. We should all be impressed with McDonald's efficiency and their ability to not murder teenagers who want to play on the play place at ungodly hours of the morning.
9:17am
We just went through a tunnel and all hell broke loose. There was literal screaming.
9:19am
I cannot remember a time when I wasn't on this bus.
9:22am
We are so close. I just need to hold on to my sanity for a few more minutes and then I can breath air that hasn't been breathed by kids who probably didn't brush their teeth this morning and definitely didn't shower.
9:29am
The 12th graders are literally reciting the unit circle together. Wut.
9:37am
WE ARE HERE. I never thought this moment would come.

The actual field trip was nice because mostly I just handed off my students and then had a few hours of free time. It was lovely until we lost about 17 students. Why can't they just be at the bus at 1pm like we told them to? Don't worry, we found them eventually. They were rolling down a hill apparently.

The ride home was just as eventful, but I was so exhausted that I couldn't take notes, I just sat in my seat and thought about that lovely nap I was going to take the second I got home instead of grading tests for parent/teacher conferences the next day like I should.  I did take a nap when I got home, and it was lovely, and I regret nothing.

Actual Things I Said (2)

Actual Things I Said In My Classroom (2)

"Please do not pee in the trash can."

"You are grounded from using my markers because you drew a giant penis on the back of B's shirt."

[said with 0% sarcasm] "You can do this. You can. You do hard things all of the time.  Remember yesterday when you wrote your name on your paper before I told you to? That was excellent."

"Let's set a goal tomorrow to go 50 minutes without going to the bathroom."

"Excuse me, please don't do cartwheels in the hallway."

"Listen. I had a handful of chocolate covered almonds for lunch and that's all I've eaten so far today, so it's really not a good idea to get sassy with me."

Click below to see past posts of actual things I said in my classroom.
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Just Read This

Just do it. It's not written by me, it's written by an English teacher (which is obvious, because it's eloquent and beautiful), but it speaks to my heart:

http://www.loveteachblog.com/2015/04/what-i-wish-i-could-tell-them-about.html

3 Reasons Why Spring Break Is Actually The Worst

I know, I know. I'm a huge brat if I complain about the 5 day weekend we just had for Spring Break. When I tell my non-teacher friends that I am on spring break they all tell me how jealous they are and how they wish they were a teacher.

Here's the thing though: spring break is actually the worst.  Here are 3 reasons why:

1. It's such a tease.
Summer is so close. We can all feel it in the air and in our restless bodies.  We have had countdowns in our brains since Christmas break and we literally cannot wait.  Spring Break is the worst because it shows us what we have to look forward to.  It gives us just a tiny taste of what our lives will be like in just a short two months and then it heartlessly rips that taste away from us so that we spend the next two months cooped up inside the classroom knowing exactly what kind of paradise we are missing outside.

2. Students forget everything.
And I do mean everything.  Spring Break is the worst because students come back from the break acting like they haven't seen their friends in 1,000 years, and they never even learned how to sit in a chair, let alone how to write an exponential equation.  My classroom has been a complete joke the last few days of me trying desperately to remind the students that there are things in their brain that they need to use for at least two more months. Then they can completely forget those things and it can be their 10th grade teacher's problem.

3. My sleep schedule is completely thrown off.
I actually really like staying up late.  This is a fact that I forget in the winter when I literally am in bed by 9:30 (or sometimes 8:30...) every night.  Spring Break is the worst because I suddenly have the freedom to stay up and extra two hours and make up for it with a lovely nap the next day.  Now my poor brain is confused about when my bedtime is and it won't let me go to sleep.  It says to me "Yes, you really can watch the next episode of "Brain Games".  You're not tired at all." and then three episodes and a few hours of sleep later I can't get up for school in the morning.

There you have it. Sorry for being a complaining complainer, but it's the truth. I should probably also tell you that I went to Seattle over Spring Break to visit my sister and it was amazing and so fun and I'm so glad I had a Spring Break so I could do that, but complaining makes for more interesting blog posts, right?

Actual Things I Said

I've posted before about saying things I never thought I would say in a classroom, but it happens so often that I'm thinking I should probably turn it into a series, so I present to you

Actual Things That I Said In My Classroom This Week

"Please don't wear nylons over your face in class."

"Let's not talk about mass murder today."

"No one is allowed to stab anyone else with the compass."

"Can you tell me why you thought having a water fight in class would be a good idea?"

"Don't rub your bloody finger on me ever again please."

"If  you crawl out the window again then I have to mark you truant."

Teenagers say the darndest things. (8)

I decided to hold off and post when I had a few good student quotes built up instead of posting each time a student said something funny.

Me (to the student who showed up to class in a banana costume): Hey, um, can I ask you why you wore a banana costume to school today?
Student: It sounded a-PEEL-ing! Hahahahahahahahaha

A student is staring off into space instead of working on his test.
Me: Hello? Are you going to do your test?
Student: Yeah, I dropped my pencil a few minutes ago and I don't want to pick it up.
Me (while picking up his pencil): You are the epitome of lazy.
Student: The pimp money of lazy?! What does that mean?!

Me: No eating bugs in my classroom.
Student: What if we take it out in the hall to eat it?
Me: Why are you making me answer that?
(Note: They didn't understand the sarcasm and they actually took it out in the hall and ate it.)

"Ms. Teacher, do you think we could have a class discussion on if a hippo is a dinosaur or not?"

Click below for past posts of teenagers saying the darndest things.
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Happy Pi Day, guys!

I am scheduling this post to post on March 14 and exactly 9:26am because that, my friends, is the exact moment of THE PI DAY OF THE CENTURY.

My students told me already that I'm a giant nerd, but I don't actually care too much because, as I told my students, this holiday is literally the only exciting thing about being a math teacher, and I am going to live it up. 

We had a Pi Day party in my classes on Friday. For this party I thought it would be super cute to make some pi-shaped cookies.  I have no idea why I thought that was something that I was capable of  doing, because I have never made a sugar cookie by myself. It was a much bigger ordeal than I thought it would be, but by the end of 300+ cookies, I am a pro.

pi cookies covering my entire kitchen

The finished product!

We read a book about pi, watched some video clips about pi, ate pi(e) and pi-shaped cookies, and made a pi chain to decorate the classroom. I also gave some pi party favors (pencils and temporary tattoos).  Overall it was an excellent day and the kids loved it (probably mostly because we didn't have to do math that day, but I'm choosing to ignore that part and focus instead on how excited they were about a math party).  

That Time We Made a Gratitude Tree

My 6th hour students spend a few minutes every day working on a Classy program that the school implemented. It's actually pretty cool. We talk about things like showing gratitude and serving. My class decided they wanted to start making a gratitude tree. Basically you write things you're grateful for on the leaves and then watch the tree grow as your gratitude grows. Cheesy, right? We've only been working on it for a couple days, but it's looking pretty good.

Yesterday I found this on it:

At least they're honest, right? 

How I feel when I grab exactly the right amount of paper for the copy machine:

I can't live without you.

You can't make this stuff up.

There's this drama queen in school (but let's be real, what 14 year old girl isn't a drama queen?) who has the most chaotic love life. She is constantly breaking up with people and falling in love with people and every little thing is the most dramatic, life-altering thing that has ever happened to her.

She dated this kid for a while and then they got in a fight and she said to him "I want you out of my life, I never want to see you again." He would have been worried except that this was the 6th (or so) time she had said that within the week.  He wanted to get back at her though, so he found some fake blood, squirted it all over his chest, wrapped himself in gauze, and headed to school.  He waited until she found him by his locker and then he said to her "If you don't want me in your life then I don't want to live anymore" and then he pulled up his shirt and showed her the "wound".  Other kids told me that she nearly passed out when she saw it. She told me that she burst into tears. He laughed, she kept crying. She didn't speak to him for two entire days.

They're back together now, or at least they were 20 minutes ago. Who knows what could have happened since then.

That Time I Wore "Strange" Shoes

My students kept asking me if my feet hurt because those shoes looked uncomfortable. I was getting sick of getting asked that so I finally said "Why don't you try them on and see how they're just like regular shoes?"  This is what happened.

Days of Our Junior High Lives

Remember when I called that the science teacher across the hall wouldn't make it through the year? Well he didn't and now there is a sub across the hall for the week. He is young and he doesn't have a wedding ring, so my students are losing their fool minds. 

“Ms. Teacher, did you introduce yourself to him?”

“Ms. Teacher, you should wear heels tomorrow.”

“We’re going to have a junior high wedding!”

“Ms. Teacher, I can write him a note and ask him to be your boyfriend if you want.”

“I asked him if he’s met you and he told me to get out of his classroom. I hate to break it to you, but I don’t think that’s a good sign.”

I had to tell my students "If you make my life awkward, I am kicking you out of class." I think they're willing to take that risk. 

The struggle is real.

The struggle is real in a junior high classroom: 

Teenagers say the darndest things. (7)

I walked into class yesterday and one of my students had an entire tub of Nutella that he was eating with his finger. I didn't even say anything, I just gave him my "What the...?!" face.  He said "I'm just trying to get diabetes by the end of the day."


Click below for past posts of teenagers saying the darndest things.
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Apparently it's the little things that make students like you.

For example, if you want your students to like you, just don't stab them in the dome. 

Mom

I literally laugh out loud when my students accidentally call me mom.  It's probably pretty traumatizing for the student because they're always mortified that it slipped out and then I just laugh in their face. I can't help it, it's just so funny.  

We do math in here.

One of my classroom rules is "Work Hard" and it's one of my favorites. When my classes got all shaken up at the start of the new term I got a lot of new students. Most of them are adapting to my class well, but some of them are struggling.  There is one in particular (we'll call him B) who is having a hard time adjusting to the way things are in my class.  B is one of those students who likes to sleep in class and fail every test. I'm not okay with that. I make sure to call on B any time he looks like he isn't paying attention (which is a lot) and chastise him when he puts his head down or gets distracted by his pen (Because for real? Your pen is more interesting than me? That's just offensive.).  One day he was getting particularly frustrated with me because I kept badgering him to stay on task and do the problem on his whiteboard and talk to his neighbor about this and answer this question.  I said things like "We don't doodle on our whiteboards in this class" and "We don't put our heads down in this class" and "We don't throw paper wads in this class".  Finally he got so frustrated that he yelled "APPARENTLY WE DON'T DO ANYTHING IN THIS CLASS!" One student, who has definitely given me their share of problems, said something that validated my whole life: "Yes we do B, we do math in here."

Teenagers say the darndest things (6).

Was this actually hilarious or was I just exhausted today?

When opening a link on the computers a student typed in the wrong URL and said "I think I'm at the wrong site, but on the plus side now I know about my opportunity to earn an MBA!"


Click below for past posts of teenagers saying the darndest things.
5     4     3     2     1  

Life Lessons Learned from Trashketball

Sometimes when we have to review we play trashketball. There are lots of different versions floating around the internet, but basically students answer a question about whatever we are learning and if they get it right they get to shoot a basketball (or a wadded piece of paper) into the trashcan from a 1,2, or 3 point line to earn points for their team.  My students love this game and I love it because even though we only do math for half the time and are shooting baskets for the other half it keeps the rowdy boys engaged which is hard to do always.

The 1-point line is literally a step away from the basket. You can pretty much reach out and drop the ball into the trashcan.  It's a guaranteed point.  The 2-point line is a little trickier, but still doable with a soft, underhand toss. More than half the time that will go in. The 3-point line, on the other hand, is pretty much impossible. You have to overhand it, but not so hard that it hits the ceiling, and land it right in the trashcan because if it hits the wall behind the trashcan it will bounce too hard and miss the target.  Here's the thing though: everyone goes for the 3-pointer.

I was getting frustrated today when student after student missed the 3-pointers. The interesting thing is that, for the most part, no one would try for the 1 or 2 pointer. In one of my classes the score was 0-0 the entire game because no one could make the 3-pointer. Some of the students would even sit in their seats and direct the student shooting "Just get 1 point! That's better than nothing!" but then as soon as they got up to shoot they wouldn't be able to resist the urge to try for the 3 (and miss).

In my frustration I finally realized why I love junior high kids so much: they will always go for the 3.  Even when it seems impossible, they believe they can make it.  They will try, against all odds. Isn't that amazing? I think this attitude only lasts for a few more years and they get jaded by the realities of the world, but for now they truly believe that they can do things that no one has done before. They literally believe that they can change the world. And who am I to tell them they can't?

That Time a Kid Hid in My Closet For Half the Class

You know how the "problem" kids are never absent? That's a thing. The kids that cause the most trouble almost never miss school.  So I was totally surprised when *Brandon was absent that day. I even asked the class "Where is Brandon?" because even though he caused disruptions, he was hilarious, and I was kind of bummed he wasn't there. Nobody knew where he was so I went on with class as usual. The kids worked on their bell work and then we did the problems on the board and started on to the lesson.

About 20 minutes into class I heard this quiet tapping that I couldn't place. I kept going with the lesson, but I was looking at each kid's hands and feet to find the noise maker. I couldn't find it.  The tapping stopped and I figured I must just be hearing things.

The tapping started again.  This time I tried to walk towards the sound. I had isolated it to one side of the classroom, but I still couldn't see which student was making the noise.  I started to realize that I must have finally lost it and am completely making up noises so I asked the class "Do you guys hear that?"

To their everlasting credit they all kept straight faces while they told me "It sounds like it's coming from the closet.." Some even managed to look nervous and asked if I kept any animals in there. I tried to assure them that there was no way the sound was coming from the closet, but as I was saying those words a distinct knocking came from inside the closet.

I threw it open and there was Brandon sitting inside the closet.  The class erupted into laughter while I just stared in awe. He had been in there the whole time and everyone knew except for me. On the one hand I was impressed that the class could hold it together well enough to pull that off for half the class. On the other hand I was (and constantly am) surprised by how much can get by me. I really feel like I have a grip on what's going on in my classroom and then things happen like students start popping out of closets.

*Name changed to protect the not-so-innocent.

7 Reasons Not to Date a Teacher

I live in a small town that is basically in the middle of nowhere. Living in a tiny town has its perks (for example, I always forget that traffic is a thing because that never happens here), but there are also some disadvantages to living in a tiny town. One of the huge disadvantages is the tiny dating pool. In an effort to expand my tiny kiddie pool of dating prospects into something a little more reasonably sized I have joined an online dating site. I really could have an entire blog dedicated to my ridiculous, random, and rarely successful adventures in the wonderful world of cyber dating, but I'll spare you for now. I will tell you one thing I have learned: a surprising amount of men want to date teachers. More often than not my conversation with a cyber stranger will begin with "I've always wanted to date a teacher". I don't know what the deal is there, but I've been thinking a lot about it, weighing pros and cons and such, and in the end I have decided that you absolutely should not want to date a teacher. Here are 7 reasons why: 

1. I'm only good with kids from 7:30-3:30. 

I worry that the main attraction to dating a teacher is because people think I'm extra good with kids. I think it would be more accurate to say that I'm extra tired of all the kids in my life and I'm extra glad they go away from me at 2:30. 

2. You'll become my little classroom helper. 

You know what would be nice? If they gave teachers assistants. I mean just for the busy work stuff. I'll still do the teaching. I'll even do the grading and the planning! But it would be amazing if I could get someone to move all the desks around for me when I decide that my students absolutely need their desks in groups of 3 instead of 4, or to move that big ugly bookcase out of my classroom, or to enter the graded papers into the computer, or even just push the "keep watching" button when I'm grading papers and watching Netflix and Netflix thinks I've been watching for too long. I'm already tempted on the regular to ask random strangers to do those things for me. If I was dating a guy it would be real tempting to ask him to do those things for me. 

3. Sleep is my only hobby. 

The number one question I get asked during the first few messages with a new cyber guy is "What do you do for fun?" I used to be able to say things like "I read, I travel, I go to dance parties, I watch movies, I play games, etc. etc." but I don't do any of those things anymore. I literally come home (usually around 7 or so) and am so exhausted that I collapse on the couch. I "watch" a couple episodes of Shark Tank or Chopped (I say "watch" because I'm really mostly napping) and then go to bed. I get excited about my life when I'm in bed by 9pm. How exciting is that to a prospective dater?

4. We can't go on dates because I'll run into my students. 

It's just awkward, you know? They always ask in class the next day: "Ms. Teacher, who was that guuuuuuy you were with? Is he your booooooyfriend?" Then the whole class will go "oooooooo" and my lesson will be completely derailed for 10 minutes because students are shockingly good at not talking about math in math class. 

5. You will never be able to lie to me. 

The sensors in my head that detect when someone is lying to me have been honed and perfected due to the extreme amount of lying that happens in a junior high school. I had some embarrassing encounters before my lie sensors were fully developed. Once a girl talked to me every day before class for a week about her little sister who was sick and had to be taken to the hospital in an ambulance and they didn't know what was wrong with her and she was staying in the hospital for days. When then student's mom came to parent teacher conferences I asked how her daughter in the hospital was doing. She looked at me like I was a loon and said "I don't have any other daughters." I know better now. 

6. Eating with me is a joke. 

I've trained myself to scarf down my meals in 5 minutes or less without even sitting down and with taking time to yell at the students who talk during lunch detention. Spending an hour at a restaurant is just going to feel like a waste of time. I'll probably start thinking about all the tests I have to grade. 

7.  I'm used to getting my way. 

Every day of my life is filled with me telling people to do things. They either just do it, or they don't do it at first so I shoot them a "teacher look" and then they do it. Not doing what I say is just not an option. This causes problems in my real life when, for example, I try to get my sisters to give me the last piece of their chocolate orange and they just won't. I don't have the coping mechanisms to deal with that. 

So there you have it. Try to keep it on the DL though because I don't really want to never go on a date ever again.